In response to my last post, I've received a lot of comments, concerned emails, and friends asking me with a too serious face "Are you doing better?"
I suppose I should explain my feelings in a more descriptive manner. To start off with, if you ask my husband or my friends how they would describe me or what they like most about me, they'll usually say something along the lines of "her upbeat attitude" or "the energy she brings to life." And if you asked me how I would describe myself, I'd include the words energetic, silly, and fun.
And 99% of the time, I feel alive and enthusiastic. I know that every person in the world has days when life is just hard or that enthusiasm with which you greet each morning is a little duller than normal. We blame it on work, on stress, on a lack of sleep. But honestly, I don't have many days when I feel even these minor "downers", well enough experience depression.
I've had many friends who have struggled intensely with depression - and before last week, I never understood. I sometimes felt like shaking them and asking "How can you not be in love with a world this amazing and interesting? There is beauty and life everywhere you look - you just have to pay attention."
But on Monday, a little more than a week ago, I experienced what many people struggle with on a daily basis. I felt, for the first time in my entire life, the consuming void of depression. And knowing, from experience, that talking about these things can encourage others who have struggled similarly, I blogged about the experience while feeling mostly compassion for the people in my life who feel like this every day.
I strongly believe that everyone in the world faces a daily battle. For some people, it is merely getting out of bed and getting on with life. For others, it is an addiction or a secret selfish sin. But I know that each person wakes up and has to fight their own Battle. I've found that I not only feel compassion towards people fighting (or losing) their battles, but empathy. Perhaps it is my overactive imagination, but I put myself in the shoes of others, and I see how they see the world, and for the most part, I can't say that I would have made different choices if I had walked in their shoes.
Which is why in the past, if I had thought about depression, I never understood how a person could feel nothing. On a regular day, I have a million emotions jumbling around on my insides. I feel strongly. I feel deeply. But, until last week, I had never not felt anything.
I now understand how consuming depression is and how, when you're depressed, you don't want help. You don't want to stop feeling the nothingness. You just want to disappear underneath your bedsheets and never move again. I get it.
Which was the point of my last blog, to shout out to the world, that I get it now. I empathize. I sympathize. I understand.
When someone comes to me and says "I just feel depressed lately," I can say to them, "Girl - I know what that feels like. It feels like this, this, and this." And we'll connect and we'll talk about what it means to be human and to face the difficult things in life. We'll be able to direct one another to the great Warrior who will shelter us in the shadow of His wings.
I suppose if there is one thing I want to be in this life, it is a person who loves people. And I'm not sure that you can truly love someone if you can't empathize with them. I think that with empathy comes acceptance and then love. When we begin to love the people in our lives and accept them with their faults and flaws and not despite them, I think we are one step closer to understanding Christ's love for us.
That while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.
Friday, February 12, 2010
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
The Battle on the Inside
It's so hard when it doesn't come easy.
On Monday, I felt empty and dead inside- as if there was nothing worth the effort of doing. I imagined myself giving up completely. I imagined not going to work again - not getting out of bed - not moving. I imagined my life slowly disappearing until I was an unknown sitting on the side of the street holding out a cup - not really caring if anyone noticed me. I imagined the blank look in my eyes never going away and just sitting there after having lost everything - empty. I played a Dixie Chicks (Patty Griffin) song in my head -
I came home in the evening
Sit in my chair
One night they called me for supper, but I never got up.
I stayed right there - in my chair.
There's a whole lot of singing
That's never gonna be heard
Disappearing every day
Without so much as a word
Somehow ...
It was the first time I understood how people allow themselves to just disappear inside. I believe that it may be the first time I have truly felt depression without a good excuse. What's worse is that I didn't want to stop being depressed. I let myself wallow in the rainy place in my mind and I didn't try that hard to find the Sun.
After a day of listlessness, I wrote poetry describing the emotionless pit into which I'd fallen. I forced myself to work out and I flip-flopped between pushing myself until I could feel something and slowly dragging my feet, one foot in front of the other.
I came home and crawled in bed, covered my face with the blankets, and found I couldn't cry. I couldn't feel anything.I skipped bible study, even though I felt (which is the most amazing thing) God pushing through my fog of depression encouraging me to go. And I just laid there. Depressed.
I am fortunate that God gave me my husband whose name, Andrew, literally means "Man-Warrior." My amazing man-warrior came and held me in his arms, teased me gently, and made me smile - fighting off the emotionless clouds that had filled my skies. He listened while I explained that I felt depressed and I didn't know why. He listened and he encouraged me, but more than that - he made me feel. As I lay there in his arms feeling loved and encouraged, I realized that most people don't have their own personal warrior to fight the battles that they've given up fighting. I wondered how many people just gave up and walked around dead inside.
Perhaps they deal with it by pushing themselves so hard that their achievements cover the emptiness they feel. Maybe they deal with it by just giving up or drinking it away. Maybe they cover it with busyness. Maybe they deal with it in poetry or exercise or church or music or dance or decorating or cleaning or cuddling with their husband.
I'm ashamed to admit that I couldn't deal with it alone - that I was content to wallow alone in my room. I'm ashamed to admit that I rejected God's help and his prompting. I'm ashamed to admit that I didn't do it on my own - that I needed Andy.
And yet, I'm learning that we need eachother and that needing one another is not a liability, but a source of strength. Perhaps if everyone in the world had someone who helped them, the world would be a healthier place. In so many ways, I feel like a failure for not going to God with this and dealing with it - just God and I. My mind makes me believe that resolving this privately with God would have been the "holier" response. And yet, our God is a God of relationships and He has given us eachother for a reason. Even more so now, I believe that God has called us to support eachother.
In many ways, if I imagined a spiritual battle where the Enemy had injured me, Andy was the comrade who pulled me back to the Healer. He was the warrior on the battlefield who fought with me and supported me when I'd fallen.
Which leads me to wonder, in the spiritual battles we all face, who are our comrades? Who do I support when they're struggling? Who am I neglecting to carry when they've been wounded? Who is walking around in my life feeling dead inside and I've not noticed? Who do I need to carry back to the Healer who not only heals our wounds, but gives us life?
And He has said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is perfected in weakness." Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me.
2nd Corinthians 12:9
Perhaps this is my call to arms. Perhaps this is the beginning of me noticing the battles that are being waged around me and choosing to support and fight alongside the warriors in my life. Perhaps dying inside is the beginning of living..
On Monday, I felt empty and dead inside- as if there was nothing worth the effort of doing. I imagined myself giving up completely. I imagined not going to work again - not getting out of bed - not moving. I imagined my life slowly disappearing until I was an unknown sitting on the side of the street holding out a cup - not really caring if anyone noticed me. I imagined the blank look in my eyes never going away and just sitting there after having lost everything - empty. I played a Dixie Chicks (Patty Griffin) song in my head -
I came home in the evening
Sit in my chair
One night they called me for supper, but I never got up.
I stayed right there - in my chair.
There's a whole lot of singing
That's never gonna be heard
Disappearing every day
Without so much as a word
Somehow ...
It was the first time I understood how people allow themselves to just disappear inside. I believe that it may be the first time I have truly felt depression without a good excuse. What's worse is that I didn't want to stop being depressed. I let myself wallow in the rainy place in my mind and I didn't try that hard to find the Sun.
After a day of listlessness, I wrote poetry describing the emotionless pit into which I'd fallen. I forced myself to work out and I flip-flopped between pushing myself until I could feel something and slowly dragging my feet, one foot in front of the other.
I came home and crawled in bed, covered my face with the blankets, and found I couldn't cry. I couldn't feel anything.I skipped bible study, even though I felt (which is the most amazing thing) God pushing through my fog of depression encouraging me to go. And I just laid there. Depressed.
I am fortunate that God gave me my husband whose name, Andrew, literally means "Man-Warrior." My amazing man-warrior came and held me in his arms, teased me gently, and made me smile - fighting off the emotionless clouds that had filled my skies. He listened while I explained that I felt depressed and I didn't know why. He listened and he encouraged me, but more than that - he made me feel. As I lay there in his arms feeling loved and encouraged, I realized that most people don't have their own personal warrior to fight the battles that they've given up fighting. I wondered how many people just gave up and walked around dead inside.
Perhaps they deal with it by pushing themselves so hard that their achievements cover the emptiness they feel. Maybe they deal with it by just giving up or drinking it away. Maybe they cover it with busyness. Maybe they deal with it in poetry or exercise or church or music or dance or decorating or cleaning or cuddling with their husband.
I'm ashamed to admit that I couldn't deal with it alone - that I was content to wallow alone in my room. I'm ashamed to admit that I rejected God's help and his prompting. I'm ashamed to admit that I didn't do it on my own - that I needed Andy.
And yet, I'm learning that we need eachother and that needing one another is not a liability, but a source of strength. Perhaps if everyone in the world had someone who helped them, the world would be a healthier place. In so many ways, I feel like a failure for not going to God with this and dealing with it - just God and I. My mind makes me believe that resolving this privately with God would have been the "holier" response. And yet, our God is a God of relationships and He has given us eachother for a reason. Even more so now, I believe that God has called us to support eachother.
In many ways, if I imagined a spiritual battle where the Enemy had injured me, Andy was the comrade who pulled me back to the Healer. He was the warrior on the battlefield who fought with me and supported me when I'd fallen.
Which leads me to wonder, in the spiritual battles we all face, who are our comrades? Who do I support when they're struggling? Who am I neglecting to carry when they've been wounded? Who is walking around in my life feeling dead inside and I've not noticed? Who do I need to carry back to the Healer who not only heals our wounds, but gives us life?
And He has said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is perfected in weakness." Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me.
2nd Corinthians 12:9
Perhaps this is my call to arms. Perhaps this is the beginning of me noticing the battles that are being waged around me and choosing to support and fight alongside the warriors in my life. Perhaps dying inside is the beginning of living..
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Sitting Thinking Wishing Dreaming
It seems these days that there has been much pondering swirling around in my head. Where is my life headed? What am I doing of value? What can I do that will have lasting meaning? What is God calling me to?
These thoughts, while jumbled together with my natural impulsiveness, have created wild urges to sell everything - our house, our cars, our furniture - and live in another country while doing something meaningful like running an orphanage.
I keep thinking about the world and the suffering in the world. I keep thinking about the children who are sold into the sex trade. I keep thinking about children whose parents would rather let them die than keep them. I keep thinking about what I can do.
What can I do? I feel so helpless. I feel so useless. I feel stuck.
I know that one individual can make a difference, but I can't bring myself to believe that it could be me. I know that sometimes it starts with taking one step, but I can't bring myself to believe that one step will get me anywhere.
And yet, "with man these things are impossible, but with God all things are possible." So what does that mean for my life?
These thoughts, while jumbled together with my natural impulsiveness, have created wild urges to sell everything - our house, our cars, our furniture - and live in another country while doing something meaningful like running an orphanage.
I keep thinking about the world and the suffering in the world. I keep thinking about the children who are sold into the sex trade. I keep thinking about children whose parents would rather let them die than keep them. I keep thinking about what I can do.
What can I do? I feel so helpless. I feel so useless. I feel stuck.
I know that one individual can make a difference, but I can't bring myself to believe that it could be me. I know that sometimes it starts with taking one step, but I can't bring myself to believe that one step will get me anywhere.
And yet, "with man these things are impossible, but with God all things are possible." So what does that mean for my life?
{via}
Sunday, January 3, 2010
Sunriver with Becca
So this post is extremely delayed in coming, but Becca and I went to Sunriver in October and were surprised with a dash of snow that forced us to stay an extra night instead of driving over the pass in my little Honda Civic.
We went spelunking through some caves and had a blast playing with our only light source, a lantern, and the fun textures of the dark cavernous tunnels. When we emerged from our caving expedition we exited to a world being covered by snow. It was so much fun and so random - which is probably one of my favorite things in the world.
We giggled and laughed and generally had an awesome time. Not to mention, Becca introduced me to Sonic which has the best milkshakes ever! Awesome. :)
This is us "chasing the light" as we tried to capture the last few moments of sunlight before the sun disappeared on our way over to Sunriver.
Spelunking!
The "light at the end of the tunnel" was so surreal and angelic. The picture below doesn't begin do it justice.
I'm surrounded by light!
Exiting into a winterwonderland
When we were snowed in, we made and subsequently destroyed a puzzle. ::grins::
On our way back to Portland, we stopped off at Trillium Lake for a bit to take some pictures and walk around.
We went spelunking through some caves and had a blast playing with our only light source, a lantern, and the fun textures of the dark cavernous tunnels. When we emerged from our caving expedition we exited to a world being covered by snow. It was so much fun and so random - which is probably one of my favorite things in the world.
We giggled and laughed and generally had an awesome time. Not to mention, Becca introduced me to Sonic which has the best milkshakes ever! Awesome. :)
This is us "chasing the light" as we tried to capture the last few moments of sunlight before the sun disappeared on our way over to Sunriver.
Spelunking!
The "light at the end of the tunnel" was so surreal and angelic. The picture below doesn't begin do it justice.
I'm surrounded by light!
Exiting into a winterwonderland
When we were snowed in, we made and subsequently destroyed a puzzle. ::grins::
On our way back to Portland, we stopped off at Trillium Lake for a bit to take some pictures and walk around.
Kristin's Birthday Quilt
This is the quilt I made for Kristin for her birthday on New Years Eve. I think it's my favorite quilt I've made to date (or maybe it ties with the one that I made for Chantel - I haven't decided yet).
I heart quilting!
I heart quilting!
Monday, December 28, 2009
Life is Full of Good Intentions
I have so many projects that I want to work on this year, that I'm making a New Years Resolution (gasp!) to finish them by the end of 2010. I'll post about them as I go.
Here's the list:
1. Make Christmas stockings for next year
2. Make this really cute bag by Artsy-crafty-babe -
[photo and bag made by Quilting Barbie]
3. Make a cute Christmas tree skirt -
4. Decorate and paint the house (especially our bedroom!) -
[not exactly like the picture above by ikeafans.com]
5. Plant a garden and put a fire pit in the backyard (if our lame HOA allows) -
[photo via Eichler For Sale]
6. Make cute pillows for the couches -
[photo via Be Present Be Here]
7. Do some photography to hang around our house and in our bedroom -
[photo via Andy and Elisha in/around Bend]
I think that's all the projects I want to work on [for now]. Unfortunately, some of these endeavors require having many dollars, but we'll see how things go this year and hopefully we'll be able to tackle many of them!
Anyone have suggestions on how to do some of the above on a really tight budget?
Here's the list:
1. Make Christmas stockings for next year
2. Make this really cute bag by Artsy-crafty-babe -
[photo and bag made by Quilting Barbie]
3. Make a cute Christmas tree skirt -
[not exactly like the picture above by ikeafans.com]
5. Plant a garden and put a fire pit in the backyard (if our lame HOA allows) -
[photo via Eichler For Sale]
6. Make cute pillows for the couches -
[photo via Be Present Be Here]
7. Do some photography to hang around our house and in our bedroom -
[photo via Andy and Elisha in/around Bend]
I think that's all the projects I want to work on [for now]. Unfortunately, some of these endeavors require having many dollars, but we'll see how things go this year and hopefully we'll be able to tackle many of them!
Anyone have suggestions on how to do some of the above on a really tight budget?
Saturday, December 26, 2009
On Quilting
Naturally, I'm a bit rebellious when it comes to anything that I "should" be doing. For example, I should blog about Christmas related stuff. And I should blog about all the awesome things that have happened lately (as mentioned in the previous post). And I should post the new blogs about the books I've been reading lately on my awesome new book blog - www.elishareads.blogspot.com.
But instead I'm going to blog about all sorts of randomosity.
Like this ridiculously cute quilt from Cluck Cluck Sew -
You can find her awesome tutorial on how to make the adorable quilt above here.
I'm pretty sure I'm mostly in love with the fabric - American Jane, by Moda - but the pattern is pretty cute too. I'm thinking I'll make my next quilt with this pattern. We'll see.
I've decided that cute fabric completely makes (or breaks) whether I like a quilt.
Speaking of quilts, this is the quilt I just finished for Mimi as a Christmas present.
[Note to the Reader: Andy informed me that this post was too negative and self deprecating and that no one really wants to read about all the mistakes I made quilting. So, I've deleted my rambling about the mistakes I made and have decided to post what I learned while making this quilt.]
Elisha's life lessons in quilting:
1. Ironing is not optional, no matter how much I wish it were.
2. Your math teachers were right, you will eventually use math in real life. I just wish they had been wrong.
3. You cannot make a quilt look good if you sew it together like a pillow. [yes Becca - you were right, it was a ridiculous idea]
4. Crazy quilts fit my personality better than traditional patterns
5. Staying up all night quilting = sewing through your finger
6. Borders on the front and back of a quilt make it difficult to put all the layers together
7. Cutting your fabric the right size to begin with makes the end result much prettier
8. Maintaining the same seam allowance is not optional
9. Having a new Bernina sewing machine = priceless!
I'm not sure if I mentioned, but Andy's thoughtful and amazing Christmas present to me this year was a fantastic Bernina sewing machine! I still don't actually have MY sewing machine, but I've been borrowing a lender machine from the Bernina dealer by our house until mine comes in. All I can say is - WOW! It is so beautiful and makes quilting 100% better.
I think I'm spoiled with the best husband in the entire world. He loves me. :)
I'll post pictures of its beauteous-ness when I post pictures of the quilt I made for Chantel for Christmas. Yay for quilting!
Merry Christmas!
But instead I'm going to blog about all sorts of randomosity.
Like this ridiculously cute quilt from Cluck Cluck Sew -
You can find her awesome tutorial on how to make the adorable quilt above here.
I'm pretty sure I'm mostly in love with the fabric - American Jane, by Moda - but the pattern is pretty cute too. I'm thinking I'll make my next quilt with this pattern. We'll see.
I've decided that cute fabric completely makes (or breaks) whether I like a quilt.
Speaking of quilts, this is the quilt I just finished for Mimi as a Christmas present.
[Note to the Reader: Andy informed me that this post was too negative and self deprecating and that no one really wants to read about all the mistakes I made quilting. So, I've deleted my rambling about the mistakes I made and have decided to post what I learned while making this quilt.]
Elisha's life lessons in quilting:
1. Ironing is not optional, no matter how much I wish it were.
2. Your math teachers were right, you will eventually use math in real life. I just wish they had been wrong.
3. You cannot make a quilt look good if you sew it together like a pillow. [yes Becca - you were right, it was a ridiculous idea]
4. Crazy quilts fit my personality better than traditional patterns
5. Staying up all night quilting = sewing through your finger
6. Borders on the front and back of a quilt make it difficult to put all the layers together
7. Cutting your fabric the right size to begin with makes the end result much prettier
8. Maintaining the same seam allowance is not optional
9. Having a new Bernina sewing machine = priceless!
I'm not sure if I mentioned, but Andy's thoughtful and amazing Christmas present to me this year was a fantastic Bernina sewing machine! I still don't actually have MY sewing machine, but I've been borrowing a lender machine from the Bernina dealer by our house until mine comes in. All I can say is - WOW! It is so beautiful and makes quilting 100% better.
I think I'm spoiled with the best husband in the entire world. He loves me. :)
I'll post pictures of its beauteous-ness when I post pictures of the quilt I made for Chantel for Christmas. Yay for quilting!
Merry Christmas!
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