The pursuit of Wisdom

January 22nd -

"I now understand why I've fallen for SO many stupid guys:

1) no good guys exist."

While pretending to unpack the office today, I found my journals. It was an amusing afternoon reading through my thoughts as a 13 year old girl to present day. Somewhere between then and now, I wrote the above jaded statement about men. Fortunately, for my heart and mankind's reputation, Andy appeared in my life (and my journal some pages later). At which point, I found this scribbled happily at the beginning of multitudes of pages gushing with sappy lovey-dovey stuff:

"So I met my husband-to-be and unless God tells me I'm crazy - wow."

Wow. All I can say is that I'm thankful that God truly does mold us, change us, and help us to grow as individuals. I can't begin to describe how idiotic I was when I was younger. I'm just glad that God doesn't leave us how we are. Although the process can be painful and frustrating, I'm thankful I'm no longer who I was. I now know that I can/will be glad of any pain that I will have to endure in the years to come if it will make me a wiser and more loving woman of God.

James 1:5
"But if any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all generously and without reproach, and it will be given to him."

I think this verse is a double edged sword. I've seen the things that have caused the most growth in my life and I realize that when God gives you wisdom, it comes through humbling experiences.

James 3:13
"Who is wise and understanding among you? Let him show it by his good life, by deeds done in the humility that comes from wisdom."

Proverbs 11:2
"When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom."

While reading through my journals I was torn between a desire to burn the evidence of my stupidity and grabbing labeling materials and marking them all as "Evidence of God's Grace and Loving Kindness."

It's funny because I'm confident that in 5 years, 10 years, 20 years, 50 years, I'll look back and see God's grace in my life all over again and recognize that God has given me more wisdom than I had before and that through the difficult things in my life, He'll have answered the one prayer that is consistent throughout every page of my journal - "Change my heart, Oh God. Make me more like You. Fill me with wisdom and understanding. Lead me in paths of righteousness."

Truly this hymn is the banner that covers my life:

How deep the Father's love for us,
How vast beyond all measure
That He should give His only Son
To make a wretch His treasure

How great the pain of searing loss,
The Father turns His face away
As wounds which mar the Chosen One,
Bring many sons to glory

Behold the Man upon a cross,
My sin upon His shoulders
Ashamed I hear my mocking voice,
Call out among the scoffers

It was my sin that held Him there
Until it was accomplished
His dying breath has brought me life
I know that it is finished

I will not boast in anything
No gifts, no power, no wisdom
But I will boast in Jesus Christ
His death and resurrection

Why should I gain from His reward?
I cannot give an answer
But this I know with all my heart
His wounds have paid my ransom