Tuesday Thoughts is where I pick a topic that’s on my mind, set a timer, start with “Go”, write about it for five minutes, and end with “Done”. Editing is non-existent and I am grateful for that since I can spend hours fine-tuning and agonizing over a post. Even writing this paragraph, I've written and rewritten it about five times, sent it to my hubby to edit, rewritten it, and am still debating whether it's acceptable.
In this exercise, I am enjoying the freedom to just write, without stressing about perfection or what others might think. This is my lovelimess after all.
(This particular post was written several months ago when I wasn't blogging, but just enjoying writing for its own sake. Since then, we've gone through several more cars. Just in case you were wondering.)
(Andy's "small" collection of Toyota MR2s from back in the day)
Our old car murmurs in the background as we drive. This car is the newest in the series of junkers we've gone through, but I like this one. Old leather seats, worn and ripping, mould themselves around you, and the windshield has a few battle cracks. Our iPhone plays worship songs quietly in the background as we drive and chat.
"What am I supposed to be doing with my life?" he asks as we drive along. Today has been a hard day, full of things gone wrong, complacency that eats away at your motivation, and a creeping sickness that we're both sniffling away at.
"Have you prayed about it?" I ask quietly, hoping he knows I care.
"I'm not good at that."
"At praying?" I know he hates praying in public - it feels so forced sometimes.
"Yeah. At praying. I just don't know what to say. I feel like I'm always saying what I think other people want me to say, instead of having a conversation with God. I just don't know how to pray like that."
My mind whirrs. How does one pray? My bible study on Discerning the Voice of God by Priscilla Shirer runs through my head in clips and flashes. How do I pray? I ask myself.
"Start with the truth. Tell God you don't know what to say or how to pray and ask Him to teach you." It's what I did several years ago and only now am I realizing that God has been answering that prayer. I am learning to pray.
It didn't start with a sudden revelation or even some great new understanding about how to pray. I just talked to God and I told Him the truth.
I don't understand You. I don't know how to talk to You. Sometimes I feel irreverent. I know I'm in the presence of the God of the Universe, and I don't know what to say.
And then He began to change my prayers and as He did, he has begun to change me. But then I suppose that talking with the Creator of the universe is bound to leave an impression on a person. I think about those early days and I thank God for what He is doing in me. Even this week, God has been peeling back another layer of pride in my life and teaching me about humility in prayer.
As the car moves forward, we move with it, into uncharted territories of the holy, bringing our limited perspectives to the Omniscient and asking for grace as we press in to know Him more.