Our Marriage Rules to Live By: Rule #2

Hey Y'all (I picked that delicious phrase up from the St. Paul Rodeo this weekend).  Ready for Rule #2?

You betcha. Let's get this buckin' bronco a'rollin.  Alright, so maybe I'm not a cowgirl afterall. But, this weekend certainly made me tempted to try barrel racing and that one event where you lasso baby cows.  I'm serious. I would rock at it. The winner of the event only makes like.... $37,000 per event... which is only a minor incentive.

At any rate, our second rule has nothing to do with the rodeo, although I should definitely come up with an analogy of marriage based on the rodeo... Maybe something like  - if you jump on a angry bronco and he spears you or steps on you, it's your own idiotic fault. Which should tell you that in marriage....

I'll work on that analogy. It will come to me.

2. Do Not Lie

This should seem like a pretty easy one, right?  We're not all pathological liars. We don't answer questions like "What do you do for fun?" with outlandish responses like:

"I ride lions in africa on the weekends. And then on the weekdays I heliboard down mountains all over the world. In the evenings I write best-selling novels about my near death encounter with sharks in the Oregon ocean."

"Wait, do sharks even live in Oregon?"

"Of course they do. They're angry ol'e fellows too. They bit my leg off."

"They did? Then what's that [points at leg]?"

"Oh that? That's my amazing prosthetic. You can't even tell that it isn't real. Cool, huh?

Right. Unless you've been diagnosed as a pathological liar, most people try to be mostly honest. We tell the truth - most of the time. But in a way, I think people in marriage struggle with lying more than our single-counterparts.  Think about your day - how many times do you lie to your spouse in the following ways:

"What do you want to do tonight?"

"I don't know."

"Are you mad at me?"

"No."

"What are you thinking about?"

"Nothing."

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing."

"Does this make me look fat?

"....."

Okay, so the last one was a joke. Hopefully. :D

When we realize that we are telling eachother these lies which don't even seem like lies, we can communicate about them instead of shutting down with non-answers or lies. In some cases, we lie because we don't want to hurt the other person's feelings or we don't want to get in a fight or we don't want to admit that maybe we don't even have a good reason for being irritated. No matter what our reason was, our answer is untrue (unless, of course, it isn't untrue and you really aren't thinking about anything...).

Maybe our truthful answers might sound something more like this:

"What do you want to do tonight?"

"I really want you to take me on a fancy date, but I don't want to look needy and I know we're tight on money. So maybe you could just rub my feet instead?"

or

"I really want to just relax at home, but I don't want you to feel like I don't want to spend time with you. I've had a hard day at work and I don't really want to go anywhere tonight, but I don't want you to be disappointed with me."

"Are you mad at me?"

"Yes. I'm raging furious mad, but I can't remember why now. I remember it was really important and you did something that really made me mad. But now that I can't remember what it was, but I'm just going to be mad and not tell you why. Then it will look like what I'm being mad about is really important."

or

"No. I'm not mad. But I'm hurt and I don't know how to put my feelings into words. Maybe we could talk about this later when I've processed it a little more?"

"What are you thinking about?"

"I was thinking about how annoying it is when my sunburn starts peeling. Am I growing freckles?"

or

"I was thinking about selling my i-phone and buying the newer cooler version."

"What's wrong?"

"Everything. I feel like everything is wrong. Are we drifting apart? Do you still love me? Our house is a mess. I'm tired of working. I want to have more free time. I don't want to do laundry. I'm tired of worrying about money. Our dog is acting lethargic - do you think she's sick? I'm really hungry - I haven't eaten all day. Why? I don't know, I just got so busy I forgot to...  I want to travel. I feel like my dreams are being bombarded by reality. Will we ever do anything with our lives? Are we doing what we're supposed to be doing?"

or

"Wrong? Hmmm... I guess I have a headache and I'm kind of annoyed about this situation at work. That's it. I guess I'm just tired..."

"Does this make me look fat?

"No comment. This question can only go from bad to worse."

My guess as to why we lie is that it is too complicated and difficult to tell the truth or perhaps it is that at the moment we're being asked the question, we don't honestly know the answer.

Whatever the reason, when we lie, we're shutting down communication and we're closing off our hearts and minds from our spouse.  If the way you fall in love is to share your heart and mind with one another, it would seem to follow that the way you stay in love is to continue to do so.

My challenge is to tell the truth in love to your spouse at all times. If you can't do it in love, then tell your spouse that you want to talk about it, but that you aren't ready to do so yet.  There is nothing wrong with postponing an answer until you are ready to share. However, remember that sharing your heart and feelings is how you stay close to your spouse when things are difficult.  If you bottle everything up inside, you may be deceiving your spouse which is hardly different than lying.

The truth will set you free. It will help your marriage grow together in the midst of the trials and frustrations. It will help you know your spouse when it is so easy to live only as separate room-mates instead of one soul. It will release you from the chains of unspoken feelings which can begin to choke you and, therefore, your marriage all too easily.

"Do not lie.

Do not deceive one another."

 

Leviticus 19:11

This amazing photo was taken by our good friend, Nate Yaro, at our fourth of July celebration this weekend. You can check out his photography here and his daily blog about what God is teaching him here.

Our Marriage Rules to Live By: Rule #1

Somehow Andy and I created an unspoken agreement to always follow a set of undefined rules in our marriage. We never really sat down and said, "Okay, here's our rules. You better not break them." It was more of a mutual understanding that we reached without ever really having a conversation. And yet, the rules are still applied in our marriage to this day although they've never been officially discussed.

When I've analyzed other marriages, I find that most problems usually come down to one or both partners breaking some or all of The Rules. Not that all marriages will have the same rules, but these are things that work for us. The decision to live by our rules has saved our marriage from a lot of pain and frustration. Talk to your partner about your marriage rules. What things can you do to help your marriage become more peaceful and loving?

1. Fight Clean -

• Assume the best of your spouse. If you feel like their intentions were negative or hurtful, assume they weren't. Never start a fight from the assumption that your spouse did something intentional to hurt you. Changing the way you think is a BIG step in preventing problems from ever arising.  If your partner does something that hurts you, discuss it but from the perspective of believing that your spouse would NEVER do something to intentionally hurt you believing that his/her desire is to make you feel loved to the best of his/her ability.

• Never EVER say anything mean, derogative, or insulting to your spouse. Even if you are angry and you want to. Don't do it. You can disagree and argue without throwing in pointless and mean comments. Name calling is never okay.

• Don't bring up the past.  "You never help me do X," or "You always act this way when X," or "I can't believe you did X again."  If the goal in marriage is to get along and be happy together, why are you throwing your spouse's past mistakes around like you've entered a poo-slinging contest?  The goal isn't to see who has more poo to fling, it is to clean the poo up and use it to fertilize the soil. If you view past mistakes as ammo against your spouse, you need to fix your mindset - not your spouse. We all make mistakes. You've made mistakes. Your spouse has made mistakes. It doesn't matter who has made more mistakes or whose mistakes are stinkier. Just put your back into it, shovel the stinky poo up, and leave it. Harping on another's person mistakes only creates distance and coats you both in your own failures. Forgive and move on. It doesn't mean it didn't happen; it just means that no fault, failure, or ugly problem is more important than showing love to your spouse. It just isn't.

•  Try not to raise your voice.  I almost said "Don't raise your voice" because it should be a rule, but unfortunately it is a rule that is all too easy to break, which is why I said "Try not to raise your voice."  Andy has never raised his voice at me. Ever. I can't say I've reached that same level of calm and control, but I'm certainly getting better. It's hard to raise your voice angrily at someone who won't get loud-mouthed back.   What I can claim is a definitive rule - Never yell at your spouse. Yelling matches solve nothing and create lots of hurt feelings. This is a lesson in self-control for those of us who struggle with controlling their anger and frustration. However, it can be done, so learn to take your tone and simmer it down to a reasonable conversational level. This will help fights end much more quickly than the ones that are laden with screaming and yelling.

• Remember that NO fight is more important than your marriage. Even if you're right. Even if you're wrong. Even if there is no right or wrong.  There. Is. No. Fight. More. Important. Than. Your. Marriage.  Let me say it again: there is absolutely no fight that is more important than your marriage or your spouse.  [Note: I'm not talking about cheating or abuse in this section. If you are being abused, get somewhere safe.]  Can you honestly name one problem that is more important than the long term health of your marriage?  If you can, then you don't value the health of your marriage enough. There is no argument worth having if it will cause long-term animosity between you and your spouse. When both people enter arguments believing that winning the argument is not more important than loving their spouse, the conversations are respectful and loving - filled with listening, discussing, and working together to find a solution that is amenable to both people. If, in an argument, you realize that mutual agreement can't be reached, choose to postpone making a decision while you both think and pray about the answer or choose to humble yourself and let the other person "win."  Going to your parents for Christmas or her parents? Going to buy a house or travel the world? Going to play video games or sit and cuddle? Going to do the dishes or going out with friends? Going to buy a new car or going to save money? She never picks up her clothes? He never puts away his video game cords? She likes to keep the house warm? He likes it cold? None of these decisions are more important than caring for and loving your spouse.

When fighting and/or arguing remember these principles:

Love is Patient. Love is Kind. It does not envy. It does not boast. It is not proud. It is not rude. It is not self-seeking. It is not easily angered. It keeps no records of wrong. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perserveres.

I'll be posting the rest of our Rules To Live By periodically over the next week or two!